Warrior in the Dark

Hmm, that two page paper took 25 minutes to write. So I suddenly find myself with an hour and a half to kill before my next class.
I am pretty sure by now everyone pretty much knows, but on Saturday the 25th of September I tried to kill myself by taking an overdose of Vicoden. I was extremely sad at the time and in a lot of emotional and mental pain about many things. I decided that my life would be a lot better for everyone if I wasn't in it anymore. I don't feel that way really anymore, the meds my psychiatrist put me on are making things a lot easier to deal with, thank god. I feel much more emotionally stable and in control, which is nice because I spent last week and the most of the week before it a complete mess with no ability to stem the tears and pain. And if anyone wants to talk to me about this, please feel free to either call or e-mail me. I realize that there may be some residual feelings in people (either confusion or anger or whatever) and I want them dealt with...
So my first week of school was fun. They let me out of the psych ward at 11:30 am on Monday, and I was still pretty much a mess (although not a suicidal one anymore). So I made it to only a couple of classes last week, leaving me with a whole lot to catch up on this week. I am mostly caught up though, and should be completely caught up by the end of the weekend.
I feel so tired, so drained. There are a lot of other things going on in my head that I have not sorted out enough to talk about yet. I do know where my first thesis story is going though, so that is one good thing.
Well, I am going to go find something to entertain me for an hour.

"Patience is a small despair disguised as a virtue" - Devil's Dictionary

Current Mood: exhausted

I heard it said once that heaven is an equal distance from all places. It is as far from me as it is near to me.
Why do we speak? Words cannot adequately express feeling. Nothing can. It is all so useless. There is so much inside me and I have no way to get it out. It is there, twisting, poisoning me, breathing my air and choking my mind with an unbearable weight. A weight that cannot be lifted because it doesn't weigh anything. It has no form, but it exists. Like memory. It is nothing, it is passed and no longer exists. But what is existence? And why do dead things have so much power? Why does emotion have so much power?
And what does one say to the dead, to those who don't use words to speak anymore?
Nothing.
I have no words. I am too empty. Too full. And so lost.
I hate you Jeffery Allen Staver. You said once I would grow up to be a heartbreaker. Well, you were completely wrong. The only heart breaking is mine.
I am utterly alone.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Brian Webb- Talk to You

The subject for this entry comes from a book by Pema Chodron.

I have a great deal to get done, but I am not stressing about it. I think things will come together in their own time. I always have a great deal to get done and somehow, I always get things done. Of course, the not stressing might be the medication, who knows? But less stress is good, no matter how I come by it.

I am thinking I will become more of a practising Buddhist. Not that I am abandoning my Christian faith in teh least, but I don't feel that Jesus would object at all to the teachings of the Buddha. It is very difficult to love all the time and be in the moment constantly, but these things I think are supposed to be something one struggles with and learns from. I hate hurting, I hate suffering, and I don't wish to be someone who brings anymore of it into the world than there is already. I am on my own quest to find and solve the idea of divinty and suffering, but I think there is plenty of material out there for me to search for God without creating my own. This is the idea of Tonglen practice that Pema Chodron talks about. You take all the pain and hurt and suffering into yourself and breathe out all the love, compassion, charity, and goodwill so that others will have it. Take in the bad, give out the good. This seems very Christian to me. So I am adding meditation each day beyond what I often do. I am adding this breathing and visualization practice. We shall see how that goes.

Pema Chodron on tonglen practice:
"Again, it's very personal. It starts with your feeling of delight, your feeling of connecting with a bigger perspective, your feeling of relief or relaxation. If you're willing to drop the storyline, you feel exactly what all other human beings feel. It's shared by all of us. In this way if we do the practice personally and genuinely, it awakens our sense of kinship with all beings." (From: Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living)

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: U2- Electrical Storm

I had a whole self-pitying rant in my head in which I lamented the lack of consistency and ability to show how I feel to the world in the moment in which I feel it. But I massaged my self-pity into an orgasm of tears, and so the climax, and thus desire to rave, is over now.
I went and saw Hero tonight. That is a brilliant, and beautiful movie. It is deep in ways I haven't begun to process yet; I definately will be owning it and watching it again. The subtle ways in which each successive telling of the story built and expanded the themes and characters was stunning, as was the visual presentation.

I think my mind is trapped in what the Buddhists call "Samsara", the circle of suffering. I cannot think my way out of this, and I don't seem to be able to see or feel my way either. I have lost any sense of dharma. The subject of this entry is taken from a poem by Louise Gluck. I am not sure I understand what she means by this line yet. There are many ways that I can see to read it. It seems almost to be a word puzzle like those Buddhists use to meditate. I think it shall be the one I use for now. I think it has something to do with letting go. That those who believe they are strong are fooling themselves. The rest of the poem seems to lend itself to this reading. I will post it at the end of this entry.

I feel very lost and helpless lately. But still I keep going, the me that I have set up to reflexively handle things and deal with people and find the right, safe responses does her thing. I need to get away from this. I need to find some kind of clarity, to step back and begin from the moment again. I am the void, and it is time that I stare back.
Enough of that rambling. Poem time. Oh, and I got a new groovy writing book, that is green and fuzzy. I am going to write a poem a day to start each writing session. That is the plan anyway.

"My mind is clouded,
I cannot hunt anymore.
I lay my gun over the tracks of the rabbit.
It was as though I became that creature
who could not decide
whether to flee or be still
and so was trapped in the pursuer's eye-

And for the first time I knew
those eyes have to be blank
because it is impossible
to kill and question at the same time.

Then the shutter snapped,
the rabbit went free. He flew
through the empty forest

that part of me
that was the victim.
Only victims have a destiny.

And the hunter, who believed
whatever struggles
begs to be torn apart:

that part is paralyzed."
-Louise Gluck "Liberation"

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Lizzie West- Holy Road

There were no crickets on my walk tonight. This means the world is out of balance. I hear crickets and I know all will be well. I hear no crickets.
This weekend at the Con I had a strange moment. I walked into the bathroom late at night and there in the mirror was me. Not me though, but ME. I think I saw me, or maybe I was tired, but I think I saw the me others see. The me who is...if it isn't too odd to say so, beautiful. Not cute, not pretty... the woman I saw in that mirror that night, that moment, was downright lovely. My eyes weren't too close together, my face had definition and form, my lips weren't small, my nose not crooked. I looked amazing for just one moment. Is that me? Is the plain freckled girl that greets me with her stretchmarks and her thin lips each day just in my head?
I dyed my hair. Black. Why not? I am feeling dramatic or something.
I don't want to go to grad school. I don't want to do anything. It is all too scary. Nothing is safe though. Why must I force myself day after day to do the scary things? On Nip/Tuck (a fantastic show by the way) the other night there was a blind girl who was talking about how she could have no fear of the unknown because "when you are blind, everything is unknown". I feel like that sometimes, only I am afraid of everything because of the fact that I seem to continually know nothing. Everything fades, even as I see it the moment is going and there is nothing to hang onto. Buddhism is all about seeing this and living with it. But what if I can't? What if I find a fear I cannot overcome? What if I fail? I lift my pencil each day and no words come. My thesis story was begun all wrong. Brynna wants the first person, but it will restrict the way the story is told, it will make it harder to get the details of plot out. But I have to start over I guess. So much to do, so many opportunities to fail, over and over.
I wish I were a columbine, delicate and dark, springing from the earth with no perception of myself, only a desire to bloom.
Instead my head is full of what some might think of as "unhealthy" desires. But sometimes God is found in destruction and pain as well as growth. God is in the winter as well as the spring, in death as well as birth. Perhaps it is time to tear somethings up, or down. To bleed a little or starve a little. We gained salvation on a cross, suffering is part of my chosen faith. In pain there is clarity, and I could use a little clarity.
I had a dream last night about a car accident. I was walking along and found a bullet casing and suddenly two cars collided as I bent to pick it up. One man was thrown free and glass went everywhere, including into my body. One piece went into my right hand, nearly through it. I baptized the man in the dream as he lay bleeding, begging me to forgive him in his moment before death. But I knew he wouldn't die. And I pulled the glass from my hand and thought "Two".
Tonight on my walk, I found a bullet casing. There was no car accident though. It is now on my shelf. Life works strangely. The second wound is coming perhaps? Or maybe I am just insane.
So what does Annie do with Annie? I don't know. Keep going I guess. Moment to moment. Dying one breath after another.

Now, to close with some words from a good poet:
"...But my body that could not content itself
with health- why should it be sprung back
into the chord of sunlight?
It will be the same again.
This fear, this inwardness,
until I am forced into a field
without immunity
even to the least shrub that walks
stiffly out of the dirt, trailing
the twisted signature of its root,
even to a tulip, a red claw.
And then the losses,
one after another,
all supportable."
-Louise Gluck "The Garden: Fear of Birth"

Current Music: Black Lab- Keep Myself Awake

Yay PAX soon! And my cute pants have gotten the roomate vote for fitting well enough to wear. Go me.

My new meds seem to be working at least in the no bad side-effects area. Not sure how they might be helping the seeing/hearing things though. Voices are still here this morning, as is Wolf. Oh well :P
But the meds made me floaty and sleepy and sent me off to dreamland. Which was full of the usual fun killing and dying, but hey, I got almost 5 hours of straight sleep, so that wasn't too awful.

Short updates lately, I know. I will do longer ones later.

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: Smashing Pumpkins- 1979

Feeling sick from the new meds. No change yet as far as I can tell.
I don't know what will happen if they work. Who will I be? Me still? What will it mean if I don't have to spend so much energy on just not acting like a loon? Is it greener on the other side?

In other obsessive news: my weight is stuck despite efforts otherwise. I am going to have to go drastic soon if this persists. I think part of me doesn't want to be thin, that everytime I start to feel ok with myself I screw it up. Oh well.
Spanish is horrible, so humiliating. I can't even do my homework right. Sigh.

Ok, time to go throw up again. so much for eating today.

Current Mood: nauseated

Well, verdict is that I am not schizophrenic. Nor am I mentally ill in any way that is progressive. And my psychiatrist is really cool. Yay.
I might be having small seizures or my brain might be overstimulated (i.e. in a kind of permanent dream state). So they want to get more history from me and then perhaps do an EEG test. This is good. And I got some meds to take next time I start thinking there are devil cats coming to kill me. Wee.

Alright... time to get work done.

So I went into the counseling center. The guy was really nice, although we had a very preliminary short session and I had to gloss over a lot of things. He also seemed a little out of sorts, since he couldn't say for sure what might be wrong and has to confer with colleages and such. He also wants me to see the psychiatrist to see if my brain might have something physically wrong with it. So that and the followup appointment are on wed. joy.

I was thinking about it and I don't know why I haven't gone for help before this or really told any professionals about my issues. I think that part of my decision to find out difinitively whether I am sick or not is based on fear of the changes that might come in my life after this year. If I get into grad school in Ireland or on the east coast I will be far away from my support systems and anything familiar. I will also likely be living alone. Things get worse when I am alone too long or isolated from friends. It is one reason I came home from Kentucky... I ran from my issues and they came with me of course and I just couldn't deal. But I am tired of wondering if I am ill. I need to start taking more control of my life instead of just wondering why me and why am I so special, so different.

Hopefully by Wed afternoon, someone will at least have some idea and can tell me something.

Current Music: Nickle Creek- When You Come Back Down

Went on a fieldtrip with my Oceanography class today. And while the beach trip was nice, it wasn't the most interesting part of the day.
The most interesting part ended up being our teacher telling us about the crazy lady who lives under a tarp on 13th. I had noticed her many times (she is right outside the campus bookstore afterall) and a girl in the van said something like "why do they let someone like that stay there?" and my teacher it turns out kind of knows the crazy lady (and she is nuts, not very lucid a lot, talking to herself (or something only she can see) etc...) and apparently she is allowed to stay there because she used to be a professor at the university but succumbed to her paranoid schizophrenia. And now she semi-lives there, although she has family that is in town and kind of takes care of her. This is an interesting story in and of itself, but it is strange timing too since I just watched A Beautiful Mind which also has a paranoid schizophrenic professor (based on the life of John Nash)...
I have toyed with the idea that I (and possibly someone else I know) may have this. I doubt that this other person will ever get testing, even though this person in some ways exhibits tons of the listed symptons (memory gaps, people who no one else has talked to talking to him, people out to get him, thinking he has powers and abilities that are more than natural, hearing a voice (or voices) in the mind that comments on life and people and/or expresses desires and ideas/needs or tells him what to do etc...) (and seems to be episodic about it, which is very typical and it started in the teens which is also typical for men etc...). But anyway, I have resisted talking to any professionals about my fears as well, since I don't really want to think that I am nuts. But lately I am thinking it would be good to at least maybe rule some things out.
So I talked to Elena and Mark, two nutso people in themselves although with different issues than I have, and I am going to go into the counseling center to see Elena's psych guy maybe.
There is the problem though that it will require me being honest about a lot of things that I find rather hard to talk about in any detail. But maybe it is time to start taking a little control of my life back from myself.

In other news of me being nuts, I have also decided that I am going to stop hiding this journal and thus parts of me. I want to be able to journal, and I like the online form. But I am also tired of being secretive about things because I don't want to shock/annoy/scare/or whatever various people in my life. But I am a thinking, feeling person with a whole lot of my own issues and I want to express them and have them open here for people to talk to me about if they wish. If things disturb them or cause them to feel unpleasantly, they can just not read. If this whole honesty thing goes badly, well, I can just stop :)

Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Nick Cave- Weeping Song

I decided I am just going to keep posting here regularly and pretend that no one is listening. No one might be. Heh.

Had a talk today with M and E about my kitchen... I have really been being a bitch to her and I decided to stop since it wasn't helping anything and just causing massive strife in the house. I feel worlds better now that I apologized. It is odd how I didn't really notice how much feeling like that weighed on me... but now it is gone and I am better for it. Resentment and jealousy are silly things anyway.

I had a great test, even studying for it was kind of fun. I like this school stuff. It makes me feel as though I am worth something, all scholarly sitting in the science library memorizing things like Coriolis effect and Carbon isotopes. I miss science, although I don't think I could do this for a living. Biology has always held a real interest for me. If we were exploring other worlds like ours (M-class planets hehe) then I would definately be a biologist and ditch this lit stuff so I could go explore other worlds and learn about their life. But literature is the way to do that in the real world here at least in my lifetime.

But after the test, everything fell apart. I saw a single raven on the way home and I heard in my head "One for sorrow" from that old nursery rhime... and when I got home tension was high and my keyboard was full of water and unhappy to boot. I tried to talk about the kitchen, but Mark just kept shutting me down and trying to say it wasn't his problem. So at first at least, that was useless. Then when I pulled him aside and wanted to express my frustrations further he got all angry with me and said all I am is mean to him and that he doesn't want to be around me because I annoy him. I think it is my greatest fear that I annoy people, so hearing that really hurt me. I said I could move out if I was annoying him by being around. Then he said he didn't care about any of this and left the room. So I thought about things for a bit, then went and apologized to Elena, because this isn't really her issue...she is just a tiny part of it. If I annoy Mark just by being around him, then the issue is obviously with me.
Then I was bad. I haven't cut in two years, but I feel a lot better now. Although the only good cutting implement we have in the house is the meat cleaver, since all the other fricken knives are serrated and that leaves really jagged cuts that tend to scar in my experience. I am going to have to just give in and go get some good straight razors. So maybe that isn't living in the moment, but hey... I am as crappy a Buddhist as I am a Christian I guess. After bleeding calmed me down, Mark and I talked and we seem ok. But we shall see.
Why can't I just be normal and not annoy everyone? sigh.

"You may have noticed, however, that there is a frequent and irritating, if not depressing, discrepancy between our ideas and good intentions and how we act when we are confronted with the nitty-gritty details of real life. . . There is a perplexing tension between our aspirations and the reality of feeling tired, hungry, stressed-out, afraid, bored, angry, or whatever we experience in any given moment of life. . .We're so used to running from discomfort, and we're so predictable. If we don't like it, we strike out at someone or beat up on ourselves. We want to have security and certainty of some kind when actually we have no ground to stand on at all." - Pema Chodron "When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times"

P.S. Laura just called! Wee! ok, day much better now!

"And I am fixed. Gone careful,
Begging for the nod,
You hover loyally above my head. I close
My eyes. And now
The prison falls in place:
Ripe things sway in the light,
Parts of plants, leaf
Fragments. . ." - Louise Gluck "The Wound"

Reading "The First Four Books of Poems" by Louise Gluck is very bad for my ego. But then again, it is probably good for me to keep the proper perspective. I have no talent for this writing shit. I just don't. But I can't seem to stop writing. There is something in me that wants out.
I don't seek to be brilliant. It would be great if someday all the lights in the universe coalesced between my hand and the page into one perfect written line.
But really, I would settle for just being able to communicate.

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: Tori Amos- Past the Mission

"The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When our mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers. If you love someone but rarely make yourself available to him or her, that is not true love. When your beloved is suffering, you need to recognize her suffering, anxiety, and worries, and just by doing that, you already offer some relief."
-Thich Nhat Hanh "Living Buddha, Living Christ"

I spent the last week hanging out with my friends up in Portland. It was interesting, trying to be with them truly and be in the moment with them without expectation or need. I was glad to be around them, and this trying to just be present was good for me and for my relationships. I am glad to be home now though, to be able to spend some time on my own alone. Space is an important thing for me I am finding.

I miss khy. I keep feeling like I shouldn't, but then I have to remember that those kinds of thoughts aren't realistic or helpful. Of course I miss him. We were friends more or less for a long time. He was the only person I could talk to about a lot of scary things about myself and in my life. I am facing those things alone again and it is really only natural and to be expected that I would miss the sharing of the load, even if it were only lightened a little, for it is heavier now without that talking and understanding. Only time and space will heal that feeling. I hope he is alright and happy with his life and choices.

Current Mood: contemplative

Nothing ever sums itself up in the way that we like to dream about. . . To stay with that shakiness- to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stumach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge- that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the middle of chaos, learning not to panic- this is the spiritual path. Pema Chodron "When Things Fall Apart"

Mark has been seeing a girl. Which is good, it means he isn't making puppy eyes at me and whining about no sex all the time. But it also seems to mean he just doesn't want to hang out at all. The last two weeks he has been around for a few minutes at a time, mostly to get clean clothes. I feel like I am just being replaced. I know it is new toyness with him, that soon he will get over the newness and probably start hanging out with me again, but is it really fair for him to just stop? Why should I wait around lonely and sad and feeling marginalized and taken for granted while he is fucking some girl and doing her dishes instead of say... the ones here? I talked to him about it today finally. He didn't even realize what he was doing. If I did the same to him, he would notice. So what about the reverse makes people so blind? Things are patching up though, he spent a goodly part of this afternoon hanging out with me while I made fruit salads.

I have been feeling weirdly vulnerable though lately in general. I broke down crying again on Pug, the poor patient man. There is some odd pain inside twisting me all up and I don't know what it is exactly. I arrived at the beach this weekend only to find a nice search party with coast gaurd people out looking for a 13 year old boy who had fallen off his bodyboard. I walked down to the beach after putting my stuff in teh house only to see them hauling his dead drowned corpse out of the water. It was a sad thing. But I cried harder the second night watching the sunset from inside the house while music was playing. I cried for me, from in me. And I don't know why. It is like some part of me deep within is remembering something the rest of me has forgotten. Something terrifying, something sad, something devistating in its intensity. I don't know how to confront it. All I can do is just let it out, let it rip through me as emotion.

I am so tired. And in the midst of all this sunlight and heat, I feel so dark, lost, and cold. But this is where I am, and I must learn to be here until I am somewhere else. Back to laying under the fan in my patch of sunlight and reading I guess. My spirit's path is open, the soul tired.

Current Mood: discontent
Current Music: Vienna Teng- Gravity

How oh how do I end up with so much stuff? Oh yeah, I keep EVERYTHING! This time though I am throwing away of a lot of things. I keep finding reminders of khy everywhere, books he gave me, little notes I made about things to tell him or look up for him, his old cell phone which I never managed to give back to him... It is odd to think how much a part of my life he has been and how suddenly and easily that is over. But things change, things pass. Life isn't constant, isn't permanent. I think I will miss the easy living of the dorms, but I am really looking forward to having things like a bathtub and a kitchen again. Hmm... I am really just posting to post since I haven't in a while. I won't be able to for a while either probably... at least a week or two while I am sorting out living situation and going to Ashland.
My body is violently protesting the lack of karate in the last couple weeks. I can barely move if I don't stretch a lot... sigh. I will start back up in two weeks hopefully. Along with swimming four days a week for my class. Should be good.

We now fight over their shallow exploration and lost uniformity. Like our ancestors in the faith, we dig shallow holes and present our opinions as facts, our preferences as truth, and our desires as God’s will.
This, I think, is the answer we don’t want to see. God doesn’t require our affirmation. God doesn’t wait for our nod. God does what God wants to do. If that means doing one thing today and another tomorrow, so be it. If God wants to love sinners, so be it. If God wants to step beyond the boundaries of Scripture, so be it. If God wants to allow diversity, even in those areas we consider critical, so be it. If God has other pathways, so be it. If God considers the tears of a fallen woman to be holy, so be it. If God loves the haughty Pharisee, so be it.
Rather than debate our edicts and judgments, we need to let God be God. We need to seek God’s truth, even if it differs from our own. -Tom Erich

Well, term is almost over. I have some decisions to make though. Things have restarted between the Captain and I, but I don't know that this was the best decision. On one hand, I think I am in a much better place in my head than I was three and a half months ago when we broke up. My life is a little simpler, I am a little less afraid and confused in some ways. On the other hand, nothing serious can happen, I don't even want anything serious. I really just want to be held, to enjoy his company (and the excellent sex) and just let things be as they will. I am leaving things up to him though and will be informing him clearly about my feelings this weekend. I want no confusion about my attatchment to him. I don't want a relationship right now. There is too much going on in my head for me to be unselfish in the way I feel a healthy relationship requires. I am trying to be more generous to my friends, more aware of how and why I relate to them and trying to appreciate them as they deserve. Pug should be no exception to this. We were friends first, and no matter what happens between us in bed (and oh god is it good), he is my friend and has tried to stand by me through a very confusing and painful year. So I am going to just be as open and honest as possible and let things goes as they will. It is good to be with a man who isn't afraid to give me what I want, and isn't freaked out even knowing certain things about me. He is accepting in ways I don't think I have given him proper respect for, and comforting in a way I crave.

As for school, this summer will be full of thesis writing and working on my essay for grad school applications. Hopefully my classes won't be too difficult, I need the time to work on other things. I miss my car, hopefully I can get a new one soon. Sigh. So many things to figure out. One day at a time I guess.

I have been having strange dreams, very vivid. Recurring dreams. Strangely, people who should be in them aren't. Perhaps my psyche has gotten the point this quickly, but I will not hope that quite yet.
I think I am getting a cold. Sigh. Or else this strange fevered feeling and odd headache are heralds of something else. We shall see. If it is the warning of a really bad waking dream episode, it had better not interfere with my weekend damnit. I need to get mom's recipe for altar bread and start giving myself communion. I don't see a reason why it shouldn't be the same as getting it in a church. I can say the same words, probably with more devotion. Communion has worked before to stem the dreams or at least helped with the aftermath, so I am hoping I can receive and be brought a little peace. I wish the visions would explain more, but wishes are hopeless. I am learning to accept hopelessness, to accept it all. But that doesn't make it easier. Or less painful.

More from Erich on Christianity:
Instead, we have our little battles. Number one, of course, is sexuality. Anything to do with sexuality, and we are there with a righteous opinion, Bible quotes, position papers, and press releases.
Meanwhile, truth in our culture has become an inconvenience, sin is something you get caught doing, righteousness has come to mean right opinion, not a right relationship with God, and judgment is a weapon we use against each other.
No finger-pointing. No self-righteous points in church warfare. I speak to myself, as much as to anyone else. I think it is time to ask ourselves what difference we are making. Are we doing the hard work of teaching right and wrong, telling the truth, modeling justice and forgiveness, and being a trustworthy steward of people’s lives and hopes? Are we caring for the commonweal or just seeking short-term political or sectarian gains? When we cause harm, do we care about atonement or just about saving face?
Our culture needs us to be the Body of Christ, not an institution celebrating doctrine.

Current Mood: sick
Current Music: Avril Lavigne- Tomorrow

What is sin? Is it going against self? Against God? Against what feels like 'right way'? Or perhaps sin is whatever leaves you with guilt?
( Read More )

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Lizzie West- Holy Road

God watches over the drunks and the dreamers
God leads his favorites home by the hand
And I know that Jesus is stumbling beside me
'Cause God watches over the Irishman -Drinking Song I learned this weekend

This weekend was pretty amazing. I am lucky to be surrounded in this world by some wonderful, caring, open people. I cannot believe I was nervous to see people. The reception I got was great. This group of friends makes me feel wanted, appreciated, listened to, and loved. I truly am lucky.
Saturday morning I had a bit of a breakdown. I think the stress and turmoil of the last few months got to me. I haven't cried like that in a while. It felt strangely good, as though I were purging something from myself, opening up a part that has been locked away for a long time. It was nice to be held as well, to have someone there who was patient and loving and willing to just let me shake for a while. I worked some things out with the Captain this weekend as well, although I am not sure where things are going with that. I am finding myself more able to accept and understand others now, my mind is feeling more open even as my heart is. I have been selfishly blind to a lot of the things people around me have done for me, to the ways in which they make me special. I have a lot of giri to repay, a lot of listening to do. I look forward to this eventing season. Depending on how next year works out, it might be my last for a while, although even if I go to school somewhere else, I plan to return here for my summers, unless that somewhere else is Ireland.
Exhaustion is overtaking me. But I feel ok. Bruised, sore, drained, but alive and aware.
Sleep now.

Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: Ben Folds Five- Evaporate

It is time for Egil's! I am pretty excited despite being sad over other things. This is the first event I will go to this year and I am looking forward to seeing people I haven't seen in many months. I wonder if there will be awkwardness between the Captain and I, but I know that the only way to work through any of that is to just work through it. I think everything will be alright. I have food, just need thread, a needle, and to find my tent. The weather forcaster better be correct, since I don't want rain all weekend. Nothing is quite as thrilling as putting up the tent in the wet and taking it down in the pouring wet.

This term is winding to a close. I have been writing essays during my boring lit crit class trying to figure out what I think about various things in life, especially my relationship and understanding with God. I will probably post them once they are typed. The time where I must make more decisions about my path is getting closer, moment by moment. It seems to go so fast, which tells me I must slow down more. I am trying to take the lessons in the books I am reading to heart, to pay attention to the things of the future, but not to let my life be ruled by worrying them over. What comes will come. I will think about what I wish, where I am going, and do what I wish to prepare for those things. Many scary things lie ahead of me that I want for myself. More and scarier things may lie ahead that I do not suspect, but there is little point to being fearful of what I do not know nor understand. I have faith that should I need to know or understand, the time will come when I will.

This journal is a funny thing. I realize that it is unlikely to be read much, especially in the coming time, but I still feel better writing in it. It is easier somehow to put thoughts into this than to remember to write them onto paper. It is nice to have things written out, to be able to follow the patterns of my thinking over the days and years. Easier I think to see the trends, to see where I might be saying the same things over and over, or having the same problems over and over. I read my old journal from the beginning the other day, and I realize now what an unhappy person I was before I came to this place, came down here to school. My relationship was not good, my life was crowded and unfocused. I was in pain and confused, fighting the other parts of myself. I see this, and I feel a little better. I can see where I have been more clearly, I would not erase my past for anything, for it is part of me. And I am glad I can document my present.